The “F” Word

I got in the car this morning and turned on the radio.  After half a commercial, the very first song that played used the “F” word.  Really?  How obnoxious is that?  Who actually wants to hear that?  But for some reason, I left the song on and listened to the words, really listened, and I began to squirm in my seat.  Perhaps I was initially turned off by the “F” word, but the rest of the song was exactly what I needed (and didn’t want to) hear.   Perhaps you’ll indulge me and read the lyrics for yourself:

It’s the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don’t deserve
It’s the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just too real
It takes everything you have to say the word…

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It’s always anger’s own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you’ve got a right to hold a grudge
It’s the whisper in your ear saying ‘Set it Free’… Matthew West

Yup, you’ve guessed it.  The dreaded “F” word is forgiveness, and it really was the last thing on my mind today.  The first thing on my mind (and not just today but for quite awhile now) was exactly the opposite.  Anger.  And justified anger, mind you.  When you’ve been through what I’ve been through (or any other form of betrayal or violation) then yes, you have the right to be angry at the offender(s).

And I have been very, very angry.  Wednesday was an important day.  It was the day I was hoping all of the absurd drama and hurt and humiliation of the past few months would finally be resolved and over with.  Unfortunately, that did not happen.  Everyone involved – except, of course, the actual offenders – agreed that it was unfair, and never should have happened.  But due to circumstances beyond everyone’s control, there was no way around it.  It wasn’t going away.  This was the epitome of the profane “F” word you may have been expecting at the beginning of this post.

I have been stewing, almost obsessively, about how unfair this all is and how I don’t deserve it.  I’ve been thinking of all the horrible things they’ve done and what I could have done to prevent it, and thinking of all the horrible things they’ve said and all the snappy responses I didn’t think of until later, and imagining all the various ways I’d like to see karma pay them back for all of it.

And then I had to hear that word.  Forgiveness.  The worst part is that the song is absolutely correct.  It is the hardest thing to give away, and would absolutely be going to those who don’t deserve it.  They haven’t asked for it, and certainly haven’t earned it.  But when that nagging little voice inside reminded me of how I have been forgiven many times in the past when I haven’t deserved it, I had no choice but to stop and really consider it.

I immediately recalled a conversation between Jesus and His disciples, when they asked Him how many times they should forgive someone who sins against them and if seven times were enough.  Jesus responded, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:22)  On the one hand, it’s tempting to start a log of every time someone offends you and officially cut them off when they hit 490, but that’s not what He was saying.  In poetic and symbolic language, He was saying to forgive them every single time.

That’s a tall order.  I know that God has forgiven me for every wrong thing I have ever done, but He has that capacity because He is God.  I am not.

But if I get real, I am forced to admit that’s a cop out.  I do have the capacity; I’m just too prideful to use it.  (Remember that line about “it flies in the face of all your pride”?  Busted.)

Really, what’s the point?  They couldn’t care less if I forgave them or not.  And aren’t there some things that really are unforgivable?

That’s kind of a two part answer, which I already knew somewhere in the recesses of my mind because I learned it years ago.  I just haven’t allowed myself to think about it because I was too busy being mad.  This song pushed it to the forefront of my mind, and I began to remember all of the things I had learned about this subject some ten years back.

First, forgiveness is powerful.  Just a few days ago I read a headline about a mother who hugged her daughter’s killer in court.  I went back and actually read the article.  Apparently a 17 year old kid was playing with a gun he had found, and accidentally shot this woman’s 13 year old daughter in the neck, killing her.  As it turns out, this woman’s decision to forgive the shooter was the deciding factor that spared this kid from a prison sentence.  Then, in a move that shocked everyone, she hugged him in court.  Prison would have ruined his life.  Instead, after a year in a juvenile center, he will travel around the state a dozen times a year – with this brave mother – talking to kids about gun violence and gun safety.  If you ask me, that’s pretty powerful.

Okay, but that was an accident.  What about cases of intentional harm, or repeated offenses, or cases without remorse?  That’s where the second part comes in, and it’s found in the last verse of the song, which I purposely saved until now.

It’ll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees – is you.

Take a moment and really let that sink in.  I did.  And in a very, very short amount of time, it has really changed my perspective.

I can almost guarantee my offenders are not spending their days and nights ruminating about this, letting it steal their joy and ruin their fun.  Even if they were, why should I let it steal my joy and ruin my fun?  Although the offense itself is in the past, holding onto that anger is actually giving them the power to incessantly re-hurt me in the present.  No thank you!

That applies whether they want to be forgiven or not.  In cases where the other party wants to be forgiven and you refuse, you aren’t just hurting them, you’re hurting yourself as well.  And in cases where they don’t care about forgiveness, well, now you’re only hurting yourself.

So why do we stay angry?  There is something satisfying to our wounded pride when we parade about telling them, the world, and ourselves how wrong they were and how innocent we are.  It is especially hard to let it go when others agree with you.  We want the whole world to see them the way they really are – the way we know they are – and then we will win.

In truth, that’s extraordinarily counterproductive.  After a hurt or an offense has been done to you, your focus should be on healing from that hurt; staying angry does exactly the opposite.  It would be like someone hitting you in the face and giving you a black eye.  Instead of putting ice on it, you spend your days showing it to everyone and telling the story to whoever will listen, even if you’re only retelling it to yourself, and every time you get to the part where you were hit, you punch yourself in the face again for emphasis.  I guarantee you – that black eye will never heal.

When I think about how much of my emotional and mental (and even physical) energy I have been giving to the offenders, and how much harm I have done to myself, suddenly anger isn’t so very attractive and forgiveness sounds like a fabulous idea.

I’ve been through this before, so I remember the lessons I learned way back when.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean the pain will immediately stop.  Wounds hurt, but as you treat them they will heal.  What we tend to forget is that healing takes time.  Occasionally a lot of time.  And it will continue to hurt while it heals.

Forgiveness certainly doesn’t mean I should be foolish enough to invite them back into my life.  Have you heard the saying “hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me”?  There are many cases when the person or people are remorseful, and repentant, and it’s more a matter of establishing stronger boundaries than burning down a bridge.  But then there are other cases where those bridges really need to burn baby burn.  No one needs to knowingly subject themselves to more unnecessary hurt, or allow themselves to be taken advantage of or abused.

What forgiveness does mean is that I need to make a conscious, committed decision.  I have no power over what they did or why they did it, and I have no power to change the past.  However, I can choose not to let their wrong choices have any more negative impact on my life than it has to.

I know from experience that I will have to decide daily, because I know that just as it takes time to heal, it also takes time to completely let some things go.  But even though the song correctly says “it takes everything you have to say the word”, I have decided, finally, to say the “F” word.  I forgive them.